mini new moon
by elja24
Summary: funny interpretation of the book and movie.


MINI NEW MOON 7:51 PM 4/20/2010

This poor simple minded young lady live in Forks named Bella and was in love with this blood sucking vampire named Edward Cullin.  
Now not only did the blood sucker want to eat her ass hole out, but he was cold as an ice cube in the freezer. He was hard like marble and wanted her blood as much as I want any cheese product. But even with all that she loved that blood sucker.  
One day Alice, Who is Edwards sister through her a birthday party at the Cullens house and the simple minded biatch went. She was opening her gift from one of the vampires and cut her finger. Ouch paper cut she said. No big deal she was thinking,  
until the love of her life Edward slammed her against the table and about broke her back. Of course this was to save her from the other vampires wanting to eat her ass hole out. Edward felt so bad about this he thought it was his job to leave her in the forest so that the evil vampires could eat her asshole out. Some how this was the right thing to do.  
Not only did he leave her there, but hurt her feelings so bad that she went crazy for months wondering where her lover was. He was gone forever she thought, to never return to Forks.  
The father Charlie, the only one with a brain in this town told her to either stop the crying and start hanging out with friends or get the fuck out. I can't handle this shit you dumb biatch, he said. So anyway she started doing stupid crap so she could see her blood sucker. It worked. Everytime she did something stupid, he would show up out of no where to try to stop her. Of couse this was an illusion. He was not real, but she did not care. She got to hear his voice.  
She went and got some old bikes to fix. She took them to her friend Jacob. When she showed up with them, he was so happy to see her. He ran to her and gave her a hug. They started working on the bikes and having fun did anything she wanted, but even then all the dumb ass biatch could think about was Edward ,the one person that wanted to eat her ass hole out. They got the bikes fixed and went for a ride and she wrecked the bike, because she was seeing her blood sucker talking to her in the wind. Jacob took his shirt off and wiped off the blood from her head, and I must say he looked mighty good. She just stared at him . I'm sure she was thinking that she wished that Edward had a body like that. She went to school and this guy named Mike wanted to go to the movies and she said yes. Bella, Mike and Jacob ended up going together.  
Mike got sick. While he was in the bathroom vomiting, Bella and Jacob were holding hands and she pulled her hand back. He was wondering why he could not hold her hand. All she could think of was Edward. She was thinking, I would really love to be with the blood sucker that wants to eat my ass hole out. Jacob was looking into her eyes and telling her how much he liked her and he was not going to give up. Something strange was happening to Jacob, because when Mike came out of the bathroom, it looked like Jacob wanted to eat his ass hole out. This was not like him, because he was just a hottt sweet, awesome, talented, nice hip bones kind of guy. A few weeks went by and she had not seen her blood sucker floating in the wind or Jacob. She got bored one day and decided to go in the wood. This big black vampire was there and he was hungry.  
She was scared , but Edward started floating in the wind and talking to Bella. Keep in mind that the big black vampire wanted to do a kindness and kill her quick. As his hungry ass was going to kill her these huge wolves came out and killed his ass. Bella ran home and told her dad what she had saw. She was worried about Her hottt friend Jacob,so she went to his house to make sure he was ok. When she pulled up he was outside in the rain. She called for him and he turned around. He had cut his hair, got a tattoo and looked just as hottt as he ever did. He wanted her to go away. He was hiding something. But he did know one thing now,he knew about the Cullin. He was thinking to him self ,why would you want to be with them when they want to eat your ass hole out and I just want to love you.  
He did not say that out loud, but he did tell her about her blood sucking friends. Anyways she left that sexy man in the rain. He was sad and so was she.  
She was in her bedroom one night and Jacob came to her room. He was sorry the way he had treated her. He said, listen you dumb biatch, I love you. I want to tell you something, but it is not my secret to tell and i know you know what I mean,  
because you have been protecting the blood suckers. He was sitting on the bed and the dumb biatch looked at him like she was retarded. Maybe she could not believe how hottt he was, I don't get it. Jacob had to go so he said bye biatch. I love you and jumped out the window and was gone into the darkness.  
The poor simple minded biatch was worried about Jacob and went to his house a few days later, but he was sleeping. She seen the other guys coming out of the woods and she thought they might know what was wrong with her friend, but they just laughed at her.  
This made her angry so she slapped one of them. He got very angry and started shaking and turned into a huge wolf. After shitting on herself she ran and Jake came out of the house and ran to protect her and he turned into a wolf too.  
They started fighting. Bella decided it would be a good idea to go have muffins with the rest of the pack. Jacob finally got back from fighting the other wolf and they went for a walk. Jacob said, listen dumb biatch I can't protect you if you keep doing these stupid things. He was telling her that he was not going to hurt her vampire friends. Anyways make a long story short, when she got home she noticed that one of the cars from her vampire family was there, so she ran into the house and it was Edwards sister Alice. She told her that Edward was going to committ retarded girl wanted to save him.  
Jacob did not want her to go. He was upset and sad all at the same time. He gently touched her cheek and almost kissed her and she almost kissed him back.  
He loved her very much. Alice came in the door and said it was time to go. Aliced warned her that a lot of vampires were going to want make blood shakes out of her, but she did not care. She wanted to save her blood sucking boyfriend that left her in the woods to die. Her and Alice ran to the car and got in. Jacob was begging her to stay. As her and Alice drove off Jacob screamed I love you my dumb biatch, turned into a wolf and started chasing the car until he got tired.I know he ran for twenty miles. I sure hope he can find a ride home. Poor Jacob.

THE END

BY ELLA


End file.
